DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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