Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
