I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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