I wish I could punch you in the face.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Randomize
