I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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