I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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