so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
