I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
