Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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