I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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