there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
