can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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