I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
