We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
4 words: hood of his car
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
