I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
