my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
