That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
