The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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