i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
