having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
