Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
