allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
