Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
