there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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