If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
