i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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