she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
