from now on my penis is your penis
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
