So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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