You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
