This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
