A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
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