Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i dont even know how to be here
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
