I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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