She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
