And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Come on in and take your pants off
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