Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He felt like a one man threesome
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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