Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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