i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Randomize
