She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
