Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
