Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
