Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
