ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
