You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.