at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.