YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I want to be your penis for a week.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.