Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sober January is a disaster.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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