um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
