Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
