Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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