ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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