I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
