I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
