the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.