its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend