So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
