i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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