You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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