He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
